edited” by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT
M Hey Rant Line™, I just wanted to say that I kicked the Arcade Fire’s ass in BASKETBALL. True story! Last summer in the DJ SPORTS LEAGUE, we played them in the semi-finals, and the tall lead singer guy who’s about 6’5” got his ass kicked by me. I think I scored 32 points and we won at the last second by two points. Also the dude with the long brown hair is on that team. And after the game when we were shaking hands, instead of shaking hands, he tried to SMACK my hand really hard and HURT ME, like a poor loser! But “Rebellion (Lies)” is still a pretty good song. [BLEEP!]
M I just want to say to all you bands out there with your crappy demo CDs, stop giving them away, man. The minute you give away a CD, it’s CERTIFIED WORTHLESS and I throw it onto a BIG PILE in the corner. But on another note, I was going through that pile and I found a really ugly looking CD and I kind of wanted to listen to it. And it turned out to be this band Tank Whale and it sucked! [BLEEP!]
M [same guy] Yeah, it’s just me calling back, I’m the HATER. I just wanted to apologize to Tank Whale for saying you guys were the shittiest band in that pile. You clearly put effort in. I’m a musician too, my band has had no success either. So fuck it. I’m never going to be anything. [BLEEP!]
M I hope this gets out to the SOUNDMEN to remember that VOLUME can be painful. And when it is, people are going to leave your club. Think about it like spice—if you have way too much spice on your dish, it ruins the entire dish, right? You should be able to make me dance without killing my ears and making me not even want to come close to the dancefloor because of the pain. So, please, listen to your ears so that I don’t have to leave when there’s good music, and watch everybody else leave at the same time. Then everybody can have more fun, right? [BLEEP!]
M Mirror, I love the way you impress us every week with your AWESOME PRETENTIOUSNESS by reviewing a bunch of bands that normal people will never hear or ever give a shit about. But then you’ll throw in someone like JAMES BLUNT, who totally doesn’t fit in with the rest of your selection. You’ll give him a 1 out of 10 because, I assume, he sells albums, but mostly so you can show us all how cool you are. [BLEEP!]
M To that stupid-assed twat who complained about getting charged $100 an hour by a tattoo artist—do us all a favour and get yourself a $100 TATTOO KIT from China and tattoo your own stupid ass with your pictures. Thank you. [BLEEP!]
F To the motherfucker who’s dissing iPods, Apple etc. Why the fuck are you looking at me with my iPod and judging me? This shit was hot, it was new, it was innovative. It was that click, scroll, you know, get that shit SYNCING, you know what I mean? No fucking CD player, no fucking Walkman, no Discman ever synced my shit. [BLEEP!]
F Hi, this rant goes out to the lady who thinks that there ought to be outlets on the public buses so she can plug her laptop in so she can do her homework on the bus. I would just like to say that you are clearly an extraordinary, ridiculous and SILLY YOUNG LADY with WHITE PEOPLE problems. If you want to know what a real problem is, how about dying after having waited six hours in the emergency room without seeing a doctor because our Prime Minister has decided to spend tens of millions of dollars on an invitro fertilization program that’s already gone bankrupt. How about being sentenced to be stoned to death for adultery when in reality you just got gang-raped? Or how about dying of goddamned CHOLERA because your country doesn’t have any clear, running, potable water? Now those are real problems. You are a goddamn idiot. So welcome to the 21st century, bitch. [BLEEP!]
M What up? This is the motherfucking Boy Supreme. Woot. Yeah, anyway, dude, I was on the motherfucking metro today—yo, this is my first time calling the Rant Line™, aight, I’m probably the first motherfucking black dude to call the Rant Line™ since OBIE TRICE got shot in the face. Yeah, listen, yo, I was on the metro, me and my homie Q—yo, what up Q?—we’re on the metro and I look up, I’m looking at the pictures on the metro and I see all these white folks, like, giving people their seats, pregnant bitches and motherfucking crippled people and old people and shit. And I look two inches to the left, aight, and I see a picture of a dude holding a door open, getting a FINE and it’s a motherfucking black dude. Dude, that ain’t cool. Aight? Imma fucking saying, dude. Yo, what up, Q? Aight. [BLEEP!]
M Yo Rant Line™, imma on the bus with my NIGGA KEVIN here, aight? Now in Kevin’s lap is a $20 bundle of CHARMIN ultra fuckin’ crap toilet paper. Yo, this man is living with his girlfriend and every month and a half he telling me he have to spend $20 on toilet paper. Yo, why woman need to use so much toilet paper? We in a recession, bitches. Recession. Right, so try and take your time and wipe your BACKSIDE with TWO SQUARES. Yo thanks Rant Line™, we can’t have this. Bless. [BLEEP!]
M This CUTE GIRL from my job told me to fucking do a drawing for a SKATEBOARD for her boyfriend. I did it and, man, fuck, I waited one month, two months, three months and no thank you whatsoever. So I just e-mail him for fun, telling him, “fuck you, you didn’t thank me,” that’s it, that’s all and, fuck, his fucking girlfriend tells me after that that I’m a fucking dick because I told him “fuck you.” What the fuck, man? I do a drawing, he doesn’t even fucking thank me? Fuck that dude. [BLEEP!]
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